While I've certainly done my share of egregious purchases I tend to run in the opposite direction. When a friend of mine bought one of those pda/cell phone/camera/mp3 player/penis contraptions I actually downgraded my own cell phone (the dog ate my old one).
I really don't want to have to be the person who goes all crazy and serious (really, I'm fun loving and happy-go-lucky, usually) but I have to take a moment to lay down the law about monkeys as pets.
Do not, for any fucking reason, get a monkey as a pet.
Monkeys make terrible pets. Don't worry, I'm not about to go into a schpiel about the evil of owning animals. I don't have to, I have science. First, what kind of monkey do you want to have as a pet? Most people either go for Capuchins (cebus capucinus or albifrons) because not only are they cute as button, they are also smart as a whip. The other monkey most people go for are macaques (macaca sp.), mostly Japanese Macaques (M. Fuscata) or Rhesus Macaques (M. Mulatta), for the same reasons as Capuchins; they are smart and cute. Capuchins live in S. America, Macaques live across Asia. What do these monkeys have in common?
They hate you.
Why do they hate you? Well, both Macaques and Capuchins live in groups of more than a dozen or more individuals. You are not a dozen or more individuals, you are a busy working class hero who busts your ass so you can afford to blow money on buying a monkey as a pet. Ergo, you do not have twelve or more hours to spend socializing with your monkey. Not having anyone to socialize with will make your monkey very mad. A mad monkey makes your life very difficult. Picture locking a 3 year old acrobat with a bad temper and no toliet training in your home. That's what owning a monkey is like. They will express their displeasure in several creative ways, namely:
- Shitting on everything you own
- Throwing everything not nailed down
- Screaming incessantly
- Biting you and everything else within reach.
So please, for the love of god, don't get a damned monkey as a pet. Cats are cuter, dogs are more fun, and gerbils are more flushable.
The size of an enormous paella dish
I knew there was a reason to Britain switched to the metric system. How many pints are there in a giant paella dish?
It's my impression that Puerto Ricans could become independent by voting to do so. And that they've had opportunities to do so and haven't supported separation. I've also never been under the impression that the US cared all that much whether they stayed with us or left. If my impressions are right, wasn't his cause a bit overly dramatic?
It's true that Puerto Ricans can vote to either be a state of the United States, or become their own country, pretty much whenever they want. However, the portion of the population that wants to become an independent nation is pretty small. Popular opinion is pretty well split between becoming a state and remaining a commonwealth, with the indepedence movement picking up whatever votes are left over. So Ojeda Rios did what passionate leaders in the minority often do: he blew stuff up so people would listen to him.
I've got to third the Carbomb (or Irish Carbomb, as I've always referred to it -- even in mixed company).
My favorite drink is always the one in front of me, but I do have a few recipes I've whipped up over the years. I like to keep my recipes simple. A few of my favs are (and you are under no obligation to actually use these names; I don't):
Ecto-plasm Cooler - kind of like Petebest's Dragonfly, but, as it lacks any sort of fruit juice, a much more honest drink
Any sort of melon liquor (i.e. Midori)
Vodka
Sprite
A dash of sweet and sour bar mix if ya got it
It should come out a beautiful translucent green. Yes, it was named after the Ghostbusters Hi-C.
Root Beer Barrel
Ouzo
Root Beer
So so simple, yet so so delicious
this has no name
Chai (made yourself, hot, and with milk is best)
151 proof rum
Any hot tea with milk would work, but the spice of the chai works so well with the rum. Kind of like a hot toddy.
I tend to get fortunes that make no damn sense at all. Maybe I'm not introspective enough but, really, how do you react when your fortune is "a nice cake is waiting for you?"
oh come on Tool... you're involved with some shady software already, why not go all the way and just take the math program? Then, from there, it will be an easy jump to cheating on your taxes. And after that you might as well start dealing heroin, because hey, it's not like you're going to pay taxes on some china white anyway. Of course, heroin is a high capital start up venture, so you might want to knock off a few banks and maybe get involved in a little white slavery on the side; you know, just until the H business starts rolling, then you'll want to get some guns.
I'm not saying you should, I'm just... tossing out a few suggestions...
poor Monkeybashi... My wisdom tooth extraction (all four at once) was a true delight. The periodontist put me under, took'em out, woke me up, and then handed me (after the bill) enough percocet to keep me glued to the couch playing video games for the next three days -- and what a three days it was! Have you considered selling your childern to the knackers?
Of course, on a more relevant tangent, the soreness you're feeling could be particles of food that have slipped into the empty sockets where your teeth used to be. I had a real problem with that, you'd be suprised (or maybe you wouldn't) at how much pain a tiny speck of pasta can cause when its sitting in your brand new mouth wound. If the pain feels like pressure similar to a nasty headache on one, or both, sides of your head then you may want to go back to your periodontist and get some sort of utensil (mine was a groovy looking plastic syringe) to flush out your wisom pits.
Plus, chimps are not monkeys.
posted by Spooky 18 years ago
Did she really say, "Mikey's like a toddler on crack?"
posted by Spooky 18 years ago
In "Prions suspected in milk."
Somewhere,right now, a vegan is looking up the definition of the word "schadenfreude."
posted by Spooky 18 years ago
In "Curious, George: Keeping up with the Joneses"
While I've certainly done my share of egregious purchases I tend to run in the opposite direction. When a friend of mine bought one of those pda/cell phone/camera/mp3 player/penis contraptions I actually downgraded my own cell phone (the dog ate my old one).
posted by Spooky 18 years ago
In "Wiggliest Person ever!"
I can do that.
posted by Spooky 18 years ago
In "Monkeys for sale..."
Also, monkeys can give you herpes.
posted by Spooky 18 years ago
I really don't want to have to be the person who goes all crazy and serious (really, I'm fun loving and happy-go-lucky, usually) but I have to take a moment to lay down the law about monkeys as pets. Do not, for any fucking reason, get a monkey as a pet. Monkeys make terrible pets. Don't worry, I'm not about to go into a schpiel about the evil of owning animals. I don't have to, I have science. First, what kind of monkey do you want to have as a pet? Most people either go for Capuchins (cebus capucinus or albifrons) because not only are they cute as button, they are also smart as a whip. The other monkey most people go for are macaques (macaca sp.), mostly Japanese Macaques (M. Fuscata) or Rhesus Macaques (M. Mulatta), for the same reasons as Capuchins; they are smart and cute. Capuchins live in S. America, Macaques live across Asia. What do these monkeys have in common? They hate you. Why do they hate you? Well, both Macaques and Capuchins live in groups of more than a dozen or more individuals. You are not a dozen or more individuals, you are a busy working class hero who busts your ass so you can afford to blow money on buying a monkey as a pet. Ergo, you do not have twelve or more hours to spend socializing with your monkey. Not having anyone to socialize with will make your monkey very mad. A mad monkey makes your life very difficult. Picture locking a 3 year old acrobat with a bad temper and no toliet training in your home. That's what owning a monkey is like. They will express their displeasure in several creative ways, namely: - Shitting on everything you own - Throwing everything not nailed down - Screaming incessantly - Biting you and everything else within reach. So please, for the love of god, don't get a damned monkey as a pet. Cats are cuter, dogs are more fun, and gerbils are more flushable.
posted by Spooky 18 years ago
In "Darwin's tortiose?"
The size of an enormous paella dish I knew there was a reason to Britain switched to the metric system. How many pints are there in a giant paella dish?
posted by Spooky 18 years ago
In "Filiberto Ojeda Rios"
It's my impression that Puerto Ricans could become independent by voting to do so. And that they've had opportunities to do so and haven't supported separation. I've also never been under the impression that the US cared all that much whether they stayed with us or left. If my impressions are right, wasn't his cause a bit overly dramatic? It's true that Puerto Ricans can vote to either be a state of the United States, or become their own country, pretty much whenever they want. However, the portion of the population that wants to become an independent nation is pretty small. Popular opinion is pretty well split between becoming a state and remaining a commonwealth, with the indepedence movement picking up whatever votes are left over. So Ojeda Rios did what passionate leaders in the minority often do: he blew stuff up so people would listen to him.
posted by Spooky 18 years ago
In "Baseball Apocalypse II"
Go Royals! kidding, no one likes the Royals
posted by Spooky 18 years ago
In "The Drink Recipe Thread"
I've got to third the Carbomb (or Irish Carbomb, as I've always referred to it -- even in mixed company). My favorite drink is always the one in front of me, but I do have a few recipes I've whipped up over the years. I like to keep my recipes simple. A few of my favs are (and you are under no obligation to actually use these names; I don't): Ecto-plasm Cooler - kind of like Petebest's Dragonfly, but, as it lacks any sort of fruit juice, a much more honest drink Any sort of melon liquor (i.e. Midori) Vodka Sprite A dash of sweet and sour bar mix if ya got it It should come out a beautiful translucent green. Yes, it was named after the Ghostbusters Hi-C. Root Beer Barrel Ouzo Root Beer So so simple, yet so so delicious this has no name Chai (made yourself, hot, and with milk is best) 151 proof rum Any hot tea with milk would work, but the spice of the chai works so well with the rum. Kind of like a hot toddy.
posted by Spooky 18 years ago
In "Curious George: Monkeys' Fave Fortunes"
I tend to get fortunes that make no damn sense at all. Maybe I'm not introspective enough but, really, how do you react when your fortune is "a nice cake is waiting for you?"
posted by Spooky 18 years ago
In "A Chinese cosmetics company is using skin harvested from the corpses of executed convicts to develop beauty products for sale in Europe."
Those wasteful Chinese! Don't they know we need those aborted fetuses for stem cell research?
posted by Spooky 18 years ago
In "US Chief Justice of the Supreme Court Rehnquist died today."
I nominate Monkeybashi.
posted by Spooky 18 years ago
In "Curious George: I hate my fucking professors."
oh come on Tool... you're involved with some shady software already, why not go all the way and just take the math program? Then, from there, it will be an easy jump to cheating on your taxes. And after that you might as well start dealing heroin, because hey, it's not like you're going to pay taxes on some china white anyway. Of course, heroin is a high capital start up venture, so you might want to knock off a few banks and maybe get involved in a little white slavery on the side; you know, just until the H business starts rolling, then you'll want to get some guns. I'm not saying you should, I'm just... tossing out a few suggestions...
posted by Spooky 18 years ago
In "Curious George: Ow"
poor Monkeybashi... My wisdom tooth extraction (all four at once) was a true delight. The periodontist put me under, took'em out, woke me up, and then handed me (after the bill) enough percocet to keep me glued to the couch playing video games for the next three days -- and what a three days it was! Have you considered selling your childern to the knackers? Of course, on a more relevant tangent, the soreness you're feeling could be particles of food that have slipped into the empty sockets where your teeth used to be. I had a real problem with that, you'd be suprised (or maybe you wouldn't) at how much pain a tiny speck of pasta can cause when its sitting in your brand new mouth wound. If the pain feels like pressure similar to a nasty headache on one, or both, sides of your head then you may want to go back to your periodontist and get some sort of utensil (mine was a groovy looking plastic syringe) to flush out your wisom pits.
posted by Spooky 18 years ago
In "Curious George: Who's Dumb to You?"
Why do all the pine trees in Georgia lean West? Because Alabama sucks.
posted by Spooky 18 years ago
In "Understanding pop music"
Rock and Roll chugs Natty Light, whilst hipsterism sips on PBR. Plus, Rock and Roll has tighter pants.
posted by Spooky 18 years ago
In "Odiferous George:"
Twice we've had a neighbor die inside their place Note to self: Do not live next to Mr. Knickerbocker.
posted by Spooky 18 years ago
In "Fragrance for your belly button."
Can I get it extra strength? Because my belly button really reeks.
posted by Spooky 18 years ago
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