August 27, 2009

There once was a Curious George... Does anyone know any good bawdy (but not filthy) limericks or poems?

Mild swearwords are fine, f**k and c**t, not so much. If they also contain the name of a place (There was a young man from Nantucket-style), that's even better. Thanks, monkeys!

  • There was a young man from Bel Air Who rogered his girl on the stair. But the bannister broke On the thirty-third stroke So he finished her off in midair. There was a young man from Madras Who had a magnificent ass. Not rounded and pink As you probably think-- It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass. From the crypt of the church of St Giles Came a scream that reechoed for miles. Said the verger: "Good gracious! Has Father Ignatius Forgotten the vicar has piles?" Here's one of mine: Have you seen that young rascal named Matti Who drives all the Cambridge girls batty? A notorious whore, His pants hit the floor If you buy him just one Starbucks latte. Another of mine, off this long-ago MeFi thread: Like the night, in her beauty she strides In the darkness her light is my guide Her allure leaves me spent But she's still innocent (I'm Lord Byron, so trust me: I tried.) See also: Limerick Database
  • There was a young man from Bel Air Who rogered his girl on the stair. But the bannister broke On the thirty-third stroke So he finished her off in midair. There was a young man from Madras Who had a magnificent ass. Not rounded and pink As you probably think-- It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass. From the crypt of the church of St Giles Came a scream that reechoed for miles. Said the verger: "Good gracious! Has Father Ignatius Forgotten the vicar has piles?" Here's one of mine: Have you seen that young rascal named Matti Who drives all the Cambridge girls batty? A notorious whore, His pants hit the floor If you buy him just one Starbucks latte. Another of mine, off this long-ago MeFi thread: Like the night, in her beauty she strides In the darkness her light is my guide Her allure leaves me spent But she's still innocent (I'm Lord Byron, so trust me: I tried.) See also: Limerick Database
  • There was a young man from Bel Air Who rogered his girl on the stair. But the bannister broke On the thirty-third stroke So he finished her off in midair. There was a young man from Madras Who had a magnificent ass. Not rounded and pink As you probably think-- It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass. From the crypt of the church of St Giles Came a scream that reechoed for miles. Said the verger: "Good gracious! Has Father Ignatius Forgotten the vicar has piles?" Here's one of mine: Have you seen that young rascal named Matti Who drives all the Cambridge girls batty? A notorious whore, His pants hit the floor If you buy him just one Starbucks latte. Another of mine, off this long-ago MeFi thread: Like the night, in her beauty she strides In the darkness her light is my guide Her allure leaves me spent But she's still innocent (I'm Lord Byron, so trust me: I tried.) See also: Limerick Database
  • There was a young man from Bel Air Who rogered his girl on the stair. But the bannister broke On the thirty-third stroke So he finished her off in midair. There was a young man from Madras Who had a magnificent ass. Not rounded and pink As you probably think-- It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass. From the crypt of the church of St Giles Came a scream that reechoed for miles. Said the verger: "Good gracious! Has Father Ignatius Forgotten the vicar has piles?" Here's one of mine: Have you seen that young rascal named Matti Who drives all the Cambridge girls batty? A notorious whore, His pants hit the floor If you buy him just one Starbucks latte. Another of mine, off this long-ago MeFi thread: Like the night, in her beauty she strides In the darkness her light is my guide Her allure leaves me spent But she's still innocent (I'm Lord Byron, so trust me: I tried.) See also: Limerick Database
  • I *AM* the man from Nantucket.
  • I *AM* the man from Nantucket.
  • Nin held off on telling a joke, for fear of offending some f**k. Don't like what I wrote? I'll just get my c**t, I don't mean to ever provoke.
  • Nin held off on telling a joke, for fear of offending some f**k. Don't like what I wrote? I'll just get my c**t, I don't mean to ever provoke.
  • Rochester wrote quite a few funny, non-explicit poems. Here's one: Song John Wilmot, Earl of Rochester Love a woman? You're an ass. 'Tis a most insipid passion To choose out for your happiness The idlest part of God's creation. Let the porter and the groom, Things designed for dirty slaves, Drudge in fair Aurelia's womb To get supplies for age and graves. Farewell, woman! I intend Henceforth every night to sit With my lewd, well-natured friend, Drinking to engender wit. Then give me health, wealth, mirth, and wine, And if busy Love intrenches, There's a sweet, soft page of mine Does a trick worth forty wenches. [For performance, you could cut the second stanza.] Also, you could pick your favourite few verses of Signior Dildo. THE MAID'S CONJURING BOOK Anon. 18th century A young man lately in our town, He went to bed one night; He had no sooner laid him down But was troubled with a sprite. So vigorously the spirit stood Let him do what he can, "Sure then," he said, `it must be laid By woman, not by man." A handsome maid did undertake And into bed she leapt, And to allay the spirit's power Full close to him she crept. She having such a guardian care Her office to discharge, She opened wide her conjuring book And laid the leaves at large. Her office she did well perform Within a little space; Then up she rose, and down he lay And durst not show his face. She took her leave and away she went When she had done the deed, Saying, "If it chance to come again Then send for me with speed!" I love this one mostly for the book-as-vagina metaphor. Coridon and Phyllis Sir Charles Sedley Young Coridon and Phillis Sat in a lovely Grove; Contriving Crowns of Lilies, Repeating Tales of Love: And something else, but what I dare not name. But as they were a-Playing, She ogled so the Swain, It sav'd her plainly saying "Let's kiss to ease our Pain: And something else, but what I dare not name." A thousand times he kiss'd her, Laying her on the Green; But as he farther press'd her, Her pretty Leg was seen: And something else, but what I dare not name. So many Beauties removing, His Ardour still increas'd; And greater Joys pursuing, He wander'd o'er her Breast: And something else, but what I dare not name. A last Effort she trying, His passion to withstand ; Cry'd, (but 'twas faintly crying), "Pray take away your Hand: And something else, but what I dare not name." Young Coridon grown bolder, The Minute would improve; "This is the Time," he told her, "To shew you how I love - And something else, but what I dare not name." The Nymph seem'd almost dying, Dissolv'd in amorous Heat; She kiss'd, and told him sighing, "My Dear, your Love is great: And something else, but what I dare not name." But Phillis did recover Much sooner than the Swain; She blushing ask'd her Lover, "Shall we not Kiss again : And something else, but what I dare not name?" Thus Love his Revels keeping, 'Till, Nature at a stand, From talk they fell to Sleeping, Holding each others Hand; And something else, but what I dare not name. Finally, a couple more recent ones: Celia Celia Adrian Mitchell When I am sad and weary, When I think all hope has gone, When I walk along High Holborn I think of you with nothing on. Auld Lang Syne Anon., c. 1940 Busts and bosoms have I known Of various shapes and sizes, From grievous disappointments To jubilant surprises.
  • där var en flicka från Gränna som sin ringmuskel hårt kunde spänna hon kunde krama en tvål hon kunde strypa en ål och till och med vässa en penna :)
  • BH FTW! Our BlueHorse supplied us a rhyme, With four letter words that were fine, Awarded bananas,         ((((( She's in her pajamas, And nomming them five at a time.
  • *bows, simpers, graciously gestures toward TT as the audience goes wild*
  • Nice ones, GramMa and TT! Robbie Burns had quite a penchant for the bawdy verse... O Saw ye my Maggie? Saw ye my maggie? Saw ye my Maggie? Saw ye my Maggie? Comin ower the lea? What mark haes your Maggie, What mark haes your Maggie, What mark haes your Maggie, That ane mey ken her be? My Maggie haes a mark, Ye'll finnd it in the dark, It's in below her sark, A little abuin her knee. What wealth haes your Maggie, What wealth haes your Maggie, What wealth haes your Maggie, In tocher, gear, or fee? My Maggie haes a treasure, A hidden mine o pleasure, I'll howk it at my leisure, It's alane for me. How loe ye your Maggy, How loe ye your Maggy, How loe ye your Maggy, An loe nane but she? Ein that tell oor wishes, Eager glowin kisses, Then diviner blisses, In holy ecstacy!-- How meet you your Maggie, How meet you your Maggie, How meet you your Maggie, When nane's to hear or see? Heevenly joys before me, Rapture tremblin ower me, Maggie I adore thee, On my bended knee!! The Beeb has lots more on their wonderful Burns site.
  • I love you guys.
  • Got nothing to do? Well, here's my plan Do you have a cat? Then go get your fan Grab a screwdriver Take off the screen Turn your fan on high So the blade can't be seen Watch your cat Walk down the hall Into your fan And onto your wall He's now on the wall But you needn't frown He'll soon ooze his way Back onto the ground Then you hear what sounds Like the rattling of a can You turn just in time To see your dog walk through the fan You liked your dog You called him "Burt" He once was your dog Now he's your shirt And now it's time To end your game When mom gets home Have someone to blame I wrote that when I was fourteen, I think
  • There was a young lady of Thrace, Whose corset was too tight to lace. Her mother said "Nellie, There's more in your belly Than ever went in through your face."
  • These are something else. May I try another? It's something a woman can flaunt When she first called the name *unt She has nephews and nieces the family increases What more could she ever then want?
  • When she's cr*p
  • To all the girls I've loved before Who traveled in and out my door I'm glad they came along I dedicate this song To all the girls I've loved before