April 09, 2009

In the 1500s, vampires were easy to recognise. What did you do when you found a bloated corpse with a bloody mouth and a hole in its shroud? You didn't waste time with crosses or stakes; instead you stuck a brick in its mouth so it would starve to death.
  • I hope they were dreamy and sparkly and weirdly obsessive Mormons with a taste for kept women.
  • Modern forensic science shows the bloating is caused by a buildup of gases, while fluid seeping from the mouth is pushed up by decomposing organs We had a frog that did that. She had eaten a mouse during a hot interlude, then couldn't digest it properly when the weather turned cold. One last jump and "Chubby" landed on her back with all of the occult signs, other than a half eaten shroud.
  • If I ever meet a sparkly vampire, I will counterattack with a SPARKLY BRICK. Also, vampire frogs FTW.
  • Argentine horned frog. They actually have two teeth, and if they bite they don't let go unless their heads are cut off. This good one croaked appreciatively when her back was rubbed.