May 30, 2006

The Mr. Heterosexual 2006 Pageant was the brainchild of Pastor Tom Crouse, who believes that it is "time that heterosexuals were shown some tolerance."

According to our (gay) Man on the Spot,in order to celebrate "God's Creation" of the heterosexual male, contestants competed in "blind potato chip identification", an Oprah Magazine tearing challenge, and a bizarre duct tape ritual that can only be described as "extremely gay." Naturally, the event drew just as many, if not more, protesters than hetero-loving audience members, but Pastor Tom still considers it a "Great night that glorified God!" Sorry you missed it? Here are some video highlights!

posted by Nickdanger 17 years ago
  • What, these freaks have sex with GIRLS? Dude, you're up to your nuts in cooties when you tap that shit.
  • “I didn’t just want to have a goofy event,” he added. “I wanted to have the Gospel in there.” So heterosexual Buddhist men aren't eligible?
  • I must admit I am puzzled by how being able to identify a potato chip makes you a man. Er a manly man I mean.
  • Wait - some of you people here are GIRLS? Dude, if I'd known THAT I wouldn't have tried to sound like such a stupid ugly virgin who will never, never, never be loved. BOGUS.
  • Oh my God - I don't even know what a blind potato chip is!!! *panics*
  • Pageants are so gay.
  • That's alright, I don't know what a hyphen is.
  • Of course potato chips are blind; when you slice the potato, you get rid of the eyes.
  • Yeah, but identifying blind potato chips? I mean, they all look alike to me ... And the way they "spoon" in that little can ... it is like a little chip orgy in there ... and who can tell which are the male chips or the female chips ... You could be getting a whole can of guys all spooning together ...
  • Dude, that joke was BODACIOUS.
  • *tips hat*
  • GNARLY!
  • Explains why the Pringles man has a biker stache...
  • If you leave the eyes in when you peel potatoes, they'll see you through the week.
  • Dude, you guys are RADICAL!
  • So, some potato chips are gayer than others? I guess Lay's are pretty hetero. Zap's have a nice manly onomatopoeia for the name. Frito's... hmmm.. sounds vaguely foreign, which means vaguely gay... And then there's Captain Fudgepacker's, which, frankly, sounds pretty damn homo if you ask me. Especially their "Manmeat-Buttsex-BBQ" flavor.
  • Ruffles have ridges, so I'm guessing they're ribbed for her pleasure.
  • TOTALLY TUBULAR!
  • Alright quid, you're freaking me out now.
  • You know dude, I think I might keep up this AWESOME way of writing. It's RADICAL and HUMUNGUS and everyone loves it when people use BODACIOUS authentic slang expressions in their comments like MAXAMUNDO and HELLACIOUS. It's MUY PRIMO, BROS.
  • Well stated. Now I see things from your perspective. Awesome.
  • -amundo.
  • Except that HUMUNGUS is actually spelled HUMONGOUS. Just so's ya know ...
  • Quid cannot be bound to the spelling habits of mere humans.
  • Allright Hamilton!!
  • Man. There is just no place those Gays don't go anymore. I mean, you can't even talk about football without someone giggling when you say "Dick Butkus" and hell last time I was in the hardware store trying to fix my toilet the man behind the counter giggled when I asked if he had a ballcock in stock. Damn. The Gays are ruining everything! Maybe the heteros should just start a club of some sort and not let The Gays join? Oh wait, that club exists already. It's called Marriage. And damn, wouldn't you know it - The Gays are applying for membership! Where will us poor heteros turn next?
  • If potato chips are gay, where does this leave Mr. Salty?
  • "So, some potato chips are gayer than others?" *wonders if he's still allowed to eat these, startled that he never saw the sheer goatseness of these*
  • why, this broccoli's gay! these brussels sprouts are straight! not sure now that I want to eat the salad on my plate
  • *offers to toss bees' salad*
  • > the brainchild of Pastor Tom Crouse now seriously, that's his pr0n name or drag name or something, isn't it?
  • Everyone nose Tom Crouse is teh Ghay.
  • Monkeyfilter: sounds pretty damn homo if you ask me
  • Honestly, on first glance, I thought the tagline read "Pastor Tom Cruise." The gay reference made sense then. Now? Gay potatoes? Are we going back to that discussion on putting a potato down your pants à la false advertising?
  • MONDO this thread has me STOKED, DUDE. This WOOLY WOOFTER hating is BOGUS tho, the SQUIDS are where they are, so SHOCKA BRA.
  • Quid, that is BITCHIN' language. Word.
  • -amundo.
  • I bought an Hawaiian shirt on Ebay.
  • Braggart!
  • If homosexuals were say, touching dicks in front of me blocking my spoon while I was trying to eat cereal in the morning, yeah, I'd have a problem with them. That has not happened. As yet. So, no problems. "Mr.Heterosexual" you gotta be kidding me. I get enough self-affirmation when I whip out the "Magnum" size condoms. ...although I suppose there are well hung gay guys as well, huh? Meh.
  • Except that HUMUNGUS is actually spelled HUMONGOUS. Are you sure that shouldn't be HUMUNGNUTS?
  • HUWINGNUTS
  • hee hee
  • Except that HUMUNGUS is actually spelled HUMONGOUS. HUMANGUTS!