July 27, 2005
Limerick
Contest! Fed up with the stories of equine shenaningans? Feast on the delight of bawdy rhyme.
a.k.a. "Hey everybody! Let's put on a show!"
For the uninitiated, it goes like this. Ah-one Ah-two, Ah-three:
The rhyme scheme is usually aabba, with a rather rigid meter. The first, second, and fifth lines are three metrical feet; the third and fourth two metrical feet. The rhythm is usually considered an anapestic foot, two short syllables and then a long, the reverse of dactyl rhythm. However, many substitutions are common
a start:
There once was a plumber named Lee
Who was plumbing his girl by the sea
She said, "Stop your plumbing,
"I think someone's coming"
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me!"
There was a young lad named petebest
Who started a limerick contest
The monkeys OBEYED
And rhymes were displayed
And Koko exclaimed, "mine's the bestest!"
After his one flying lesson,
a suicide pilot's confession:
"I can't really stand
to do takeoffs, or land
But that's fine for my chosen profession."
(written Sept. 13, 2001)
A monkey named middleclasstool
Felt like a simian fool
He leered at BlueHorse
She smacked him, of course
He's now on the floor of the pool
A young lady from Pennsylvania
was possessed of a very strange mania
she selected her guys
based just on the size
and the contents inside of their crania.
A red-headed freak from Wisconsin
endeavored to cut off his johnson.
But here I shall fail
to tell the whole tale
'cause nothing else rhymes with Wisconsin.
A handsome young sailor from Brighton
said to his fair lass, "You're a tight one!"
She said, "'pon my soul
You're in the wrong hole!
There's PLENTY o' room in the right one!"
(that one I stole, the rest are mine)
You may know a poster named Koko
Her posts sho a vida that's loco
Between florid praises
And rambling phrases
Her comments are very rococo
I've heard of the man they call Chy
Some say he can shoot lasers and fly
I won't believe it
'least not 'til I see it
And not 'til I've had enough rye
And now for a wee cheeky ditty
Of a monkey we know as Space Kitty
Whose citrusy bits
Give n00bieez the fits
Because they're reportedly pretty
There once was an old cunt named Chyren
Who farted as loud as a siren
The goats and the sheep
Would yowl scream and bleat
And his limericks didn't rhyme either.
ooooh . . . *golf clap*
A bawdy old monkey named pete
Was known to be quite indiscreet
He wanted some verse
That was lurid and terse
And would make him turn red as a beet
A man from a strange foreign land
Tried to sell us a robotic hand
It was made out of shite
Stole from some building site
And would fall apart right on command.
Now, a stolen one:
There once was a fellow named Dave
Who found a dead whore in a cave
She was ugly as shit
And missing a tit
But think of the money he'd save!
A clever young monkey named quid,
Under pressure, has now flipped his lid.
His comments perverse
(Often scribbled in verse)
Show a man who is ruled by his id.
A internet bloke named petebest
Twelve sockpuppets gained by request
He flamed out himself
While drinking his health
And put-up as his own houseguest.
The cock of a monkey named Fes
Turns out was a dispenser of Pez
When he would get randy
Out would pop candy
"It's really quite tasty", he says.
While engaging in sexual intercourse
With a willing and consentual horse
The perverted man's hole
Was rent asunder by the pole
And the application of the equine's force
There's a web site called Monkeyfilter.
Hats off to those who built her,
She's a grand old site,
that you can surf all night.
Pose a curious question and get an answer.
ooooo, kisses to petebest
*smooch*
There once was a poster named Chryen
At limericks he kept on a tryin'
That little green freak,
is someone we can tweak,
And that certainly is no denyin'.
Our laureate poet named bees
Writes of critters and bashis and trees
While we're losing our socks
And discussing our cocks
Chyren is searching for cheese.
A girl in a very tight sweater
suggested I might want to pet her.
My face got quite red,
blood rushed to my head,
but now I feel quite a bit, better!
There was a man who'd never heard of Algiers
Who wanted to help out his peers
So he gave the rich more
By stealing from the poor
Who rewarded him with for more years
Daisy May was a monkey one minute
Posted cock stories to spin it
But she truly was crass
Talking out of her ass
Til the monkey crowd stuck their foot in it.
ooooo, kisses to petebest
*smooch*
Gawrsh! . . . hyuk! *blushes*
There once was an Op they called Plame
Who was outed (though never by name?)
They committed high treason
For a partisan reason
These neocons, have they no shame?
Reporters reported on Rove
Behind Scott McClellan he dove
"The whole thing's absurd -
Karl gave me his word!"
was part of the web that they wove.
The White House expected to coast
But instead they're starting to roast
The press grew a backbone
Now won't leave it alone
'til their head's on a Washington Post
shamelessly stoled:
there was an old man of st. bees
who was horribly stung by a wasp
when they asked "does it hurt?"
he replied "no, it doesn't
"but i'm so glad it wasn't a hornet"!
one once heard a tale of beeswacky
who was often mismonikered wacky
a doggerel, rhyme
he would turn on a dime
to the general joy and some smacky
So Joe was this kind of slow guy
who was really convinced he could fly.
So, looking for proof,
he jumped off his roof,
and that is what caused him to die.
All stolen over the years and memorized:
The god Thor told the blonde he was with
Who he was, hence his great monolith;
She exclaimed: "You are Thor?"
When they got off the floor
"I'm tho thor i dont think i can pith!"
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
From the depths of the crypts of St. Giles
Came a scream that echoed for miles!
Said the Vicar: "Good gracious!
Has Father Ignatius
Forgotten the Bishop has piles?!!!"
xxxxxxxxxx
Of all creatures that walk, swim or fly
I'll take cats, though i can't tell you why.
I'll not alter my course
For a dog or a horse
Yet for a little pussy i'd die!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
She frowned and called him Mr.
Because in sport he Kr.
And so in spite
That very night
This Mr. Kr. Sr.
Another oldie but goodie:
1) There were two girls from Birmingham
I know a wild story concerning 'em
They lifted the frock
And diddled the cock
Of the bishop engaged in confirming 'em.
2) Now the bishop was nobody's fool
He'd been to a fine public school
He lowered his britches
And skewered those bitches
With his 12 inch episcopal tool.
3) But that didn't startle these 2
"Why", they laughed as the bishop withdrew!
"The vicar is quicker
And thicker and slicker
And longer and stronger than you!"
Ok ok...no more...at least not for the next few minutes!
This is one of mine (guess when it was written!!)
I once had a boyfriend named Joe
Who is now my bitterest foe
The reason you see
Is as clear as can be
He dumped me for that ghastly old 'ho!
and 2 more stolen ones...
2 moments in Capt. Hook's past
The memories leave him aghast
A visit quite vile
From a Nile crocodile
And the time he was wiping his ass!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
There once was a girl from South Philly
Who quit Greenpeace coz she thought it was silly
I said "don't worry, Gayle
If you still wanna pet a whale,
Just undo my zipper and free willy!"
I didn't read all of the comments.
The length of it made me near vomit.
If near now meant spew,
That last sentence be true.
I'm off to the bathroom for Comet.
/slant rhyme
you guys are tres good these are great!
should I pen one too I debate?
I fear it'd be lame
and quite boringly tame
so I guess I won't do one...too late!
you guys are tres good these are great!
should I pen one too I debate?
I fear it'd be lame
and quite boringly tame
so I guess I won't do one...too late!
whilst posting the server did fail
"it's not my fault" you hear me now wail
forgive me the trouble
I caused by my double
and allow me to buy you an ale
shamelessly stolen:
there was a young man from St. Clair
who tried to bugger a bear
but that vicious brute
took a swipe at his root
and left nothing but balls and hair
.........................................
there was a young man from Dundee
who buggered an ape in a tree
the result was most horrid
all arse and no forehead
three balls and a purple goatee
There was a young man named Fred Jackson
Who claimed 'I'm one half full-fledged Saxon!'
To prove it was true
He ate Viking stew
And farted out loud like a claxon.
There was a young monkey called Pleggy
He was always quite clean, never smeggy,
Unlike that poor horse,
He'd scrub up with force
Whilst hanging his clothes on a peggy.
I thank you.
There was an odd Monkey called quidnunc
His smell, what a terrible cheese-funk
The stench from his feet
Could clear Oxford Street
Or peel or the bark from a tree trunk
koko did once spend new year
watching Las Vegas locals drink beer
T'was in a casino
But which one I don't know
That info, it wasn't made clear.
A vindictive bitch, Daisy May
Whose boyfriend had wandered astray
Put her webcam to use
To film his self-abuse
For the thread that just won't go away
Can zombie dogs really look up?
To find out, I slaughtered a pup
Once reanimated
The hound intimated
The answer, of course, it was 'yup'.
An arsehole there was, Jerry Junior
He's gone now, it should have been sooner
He called me a name
Now I've called him the same
I hope he now sleeps with the tuna.
A ladyboy from old Thailand
Grabbed hold of her dick in her hand
"I can't make a decision
About this incision
Just as well shemale porn isn't banned!"
Hark to the tale of kitfisto
His knickers are all in a twisto!
He loves crinkly beets
To rub on his feets!
I tell you, the man is quite pisto!
It was Treasure Island casino.
A smashing old monkey is quidnunc
I'm certain that he is the shizznunc
Although he's quite mad
He's really not bad
For him, I invent the word fliblunc!
There was a young mother from Christchurch
Fuck it, nothing rhymes with Christchurch.
Crinkly beetroot's the best
In butties it beats all the rest
With cheese it goes fair
But diners beware
If spilt it will stain your white vest.
There was a young mother from Christchurch
Her good name we never will besmirch
She is number one
With bullet and gun
From post to post at night she does lurch.
showoff
get stunned
Son of a big fuckin' tit
I just took a bite of a clit
Though I read cunty books
And work for Mel Brooks
I got smothered in fuckin' ass shit
You are a fuckin' old cunt
I saw you last nite with a runt
His name was Deep Roy
I think it's his ploy
Norm-sex is his cunning stunt
Kitfisto so likes to eat dirt
And rub it all over his shirt
He puts some cheese on it
(I think I might vomit)
And stuffs himself 'til he's inert.
Shitty ass bollocky prick
I saw that you're suckin on Dick
His arse is imploded
His bowels have exploded
And his balls are impaled on a stick
Koko can not make a rhyme
Tho she sucks on a cod all the time
The fish cannot beat her
Or teach her the meter
But at least she is lubed with the slime
For swearing, Chyren won't be beat
His fucks, shits and cunts are quite neat
His pricks of all sizes
are bound to win prizes
Despite that, the twat's still quite sweet.
Shitty-ass fuckity wank
I just robbed a cock in a bank
I pointed my peter
Said 'he's pleased ta meecha'
And showered the counter with spank
Chyren's a smelly old bastard
And often he's thoroughly plastered
Though he reeks of mold
His heart is pure gold
Vulgarities, he's thoroughly mastered
Luck, it may play quite a part
If you're trying to squeeze out a fart
If you've eaten of curry
Or lager-like slurry
The liquishit might get a start
/collapse
Mrs. Tool last night was so hot
That she could, believe it or not,
Blow steam out her ears
And smoke out her rear
And breathe fire out of her twat.
Chyren, he sure likes to curse
Using words like 'fuck', 'shit', 'cunt', and worse
His swearing's designed
To appear unrefined
Though he minces around with a purse
Chyren, he wears ladies' clothes
That's knickers, a bra and tan hoes
A floral print dress
Completes this sick mess
Then he hangs out with his tranny bro's
*Wanders into thread, pauses, looks around and hurries out again.*
Chyren's a great big homosexual
Chyren's a great big homosexual
Chyren's so gay
He's really really gay
Chyren's a great big homosexual
Best so far.
Well done.
Chyren eats cat shit with butter
There's no doubt that he's quite a nutter
He swears and he wanks
And emits quite a stank
Because he's a master cheese cutter.
Koko's a scurvy old lass
Who fondles sheep while she smokes grass
She's a violent pisser
As mean as your sister
And deserves a firm boot in the ass.
I hear you, brother!
The IRA, they have all found
Since Yourkshiremen went underground
That it would be best
To give bombs a rest
And leave all their guns in the pound.
The space shuttle has cracked some tiles
But the astronauts are still all smiles
Let's hope they're returned
Without getting burned
So NASA can update their files.
Middleclasstool feels a bit itchy
He's suddenly all over twitchy
It could be from the drink
Or some skanky ho I think
But it's certainly made him act bitchy!
Kitfisto writes limericks of news
That clarify, never confuse
Mostly sharp and incisive,
If they're ever derisive
Don't worry, he'll just blame the Jews.
Over seventy posts, like, 4 authors.
Vulgar are most of the offers.
I used to like monkey,
But now it feels funky,
Perhaps I just shoulda stayed off'er.
I'm really not that self righteous.
A limerick, it should be profane
That's just the name of the game
Where words like 'Nantucket'
Don't just rhyme with 'bucket'
If it's not rude, the poem's just lame.
But, kit, petebest posted the structure,
I don't think my verses lame, sucker.
Perhaps I am hasty,
Some curses are tasty,
So I'll end this sweet rhyme, motherfucker.
Allow me a lame limerick here
You monkeys to me are all dear
Though my work goes undone
I'm having such fun
With you lot, even though you're all queer!
I wield a wang that's legendary
It's long, girthy, bulbous and hairy
This rod of destruction's
My tool of seduction
And complements both my manberries.
Then why is your tool "middle class"
Unwarranted, methinks your sass.
Seducing or not,
Your wife is quite hot,
And she liked when I came in her... mouth?
I take a bit to warm up... but glad to be here.
Around the back I had a look
And found yet another black chook
Wherever I meet 'em
I fuck, suck and eat 'em
But when they are dead I'm a sook
My good lovin's what Koko wants
For my naked form constantly taunts
Her passions aflame,
She abandons all shame
And begs me to touch her croissants.
On preview...
planetfour, you too want to do me
Hell, all of you monkeys pursue me
Methinks you protest,
But I'd bet you, if pressed
You'd confess that you all wish you blew me.
Alas, tool, there's a Mrs. Planet,
So sex with you'd be underhanded.
Now you have some fodder,
Tell me how you prod her,
I don't just request, I demand it.
*applauds*
MCT's size estimation
Is a bit of an exaggeration
His penis, you see
Is really quite wee
Except in his imagination
While shagging a whore, quite a stunt
A Moebius strip in her cunt
Inverted, inserted
Reverted, perverted,
And what was a prick now is blunt.
Thanks for applause all the same,
But I've now raised the bar on this game
I've given a topic,
So don't you dare drop it,
My limericks are no longer 'lame'
Middle class is a fine chap,
But the moral is quite clear, perhaps
He spoke so erotic,
But now, I have got it,
He spoke of sex then gave me claps.
/collapse
While bronchial coughing quite hoarse
In my arse was inserted a horse
It's cock started throbbing
I said 'whoah there, dobbin'
But it's semen rushed forward with force!
Middleclasstool, come on out and play
Let's have a nice roll in the hay
Stop with your teasing
And get with the pleasing
Just kidding, now put that away.
Old Chymie was once in a jam
So he stuck his blunt cock in a lamb
Before quite defeated,
It shat, pissed and bleated
And now you'll be eating his spam!
The sound of ones own voice is great,
It's better to participate.
Or you can keep going,
With rhymes of cum flowing,
Your limericks all masturbate.
I once fucked a hedgehod in spain
And I said, to avoid all the pain
I'll steam off it's quills
And sandpaper it's gills
I admit that I've never been sane
I'll tell you how I bring her off
And leave her begging for a boff
With tongs and hip waders
And the helm of Darth Vader
She'll beg me to prod her love trough.
Huzzah!
Nice work! You sick fucks.
I'd just like to mention ol' SideDish
For volume none matches her highness
Her postings are smitten
With praises and kittens
Though her ass tatt is prob'ly her finest
You may have seen monkey the Quonset
He appears like a solstice, or on it
His flames are like NASA's
He schooled all yo' asses
But his signup required deposit.
You think you can post about quidnunc?
I tell you that guy is a sick fuck!
He pisses in threads
And shits on our heads
And jumps out like barf in a hiccup!
Chy was approached by a girl one day
who was charging a dollar a lay.
"For a buck I could plow you?
Well, that's quite a value,
But I'm sorry to say that I'm gay."
Let's not forget our friend Bashi
In corruption his country's awashy
He's a ruinous loon
Death can't be too soon
His legacy I'd like to quashy
On my sammich is PB and jam
I like it much better than spam
I made it this morning
I know it's quite boring
But I'm eating it now, yes I am.
If PB and spam ain't a thrill,
I wonder what makes koko ill.
As soon as I read it,
I couldn't forget it,
And now my head's full of that swill.
It looks like I'm not so much literate,
On a group blog, how so inconsiderate!
I completely misread
Koko's lunch, so instead,
My recipe, please don't consider it.
The ballad of Melody Kramer
Posted self-links which everyone blamed her
To increase her web hits
She was pelted with shits
And we couldn't find anyone lamer.
The very thought does appall
And nauseates in no way small
Then I understood,
And I say "it's all good"
To your gaffe, I respond with a LOL!
I'm hoping you'll answer a question...
The search function's got me a-guessin'.
I'm can't find the thread
with pics of mofite's heads,
I pray that you'll teach me this lesson.
Here's one, if I may be so bold
Though the links in it are really quite old
You might have more luck
And not be such a schmuck
If you click on this link, truth be told.
With all the time spent on the net,
I'm not in the flickr group yet!
Away I shall roam,
Monkeyfilter's my home,
Monkeys are great as they get.
Dead soldiers are lined on the beach
A Neo-Con's name stamped on each
And although they all died
For a war based on lies
Dear George Bush tells goats how to teach
Ah, dear petebest has come back to play!
I knew that we'd all rue the day!
But if you will permit,
I'll paraphrase his wit:
OMG U R TEH GHEYE!!11!111!
And what of rocket eighty-eight?
His limericks he thinks are quite great!
But to tell you the truth,
He's a bit long in the tooth
And his humor's as bald as his pate!
OH SNAP
Why MCT, you ignorant slut
I've a good mind to kick your sad butt
With a good ol' quick flaming
You'd get a good shaming
You miserable flea bitten mutt!
these limericks do not have me thanking
in fact I would walk off the plank then,
they're vulgar and foul
and my bowels do now growl
to witness such time wasting wanking
Let's pause to thank languagehat
To our collective tit-tit he's the tat
If anyone heard
A discouraging word
He'd like to describe it as that!
On MeFi they've gone all to heck
Every threads a potential trainwreck
Though we may lurk and linger
Or give them the finger
It's likely we'll be back to check!
Kamu, I done tried that already!
But these monkeys, their will is so steady.
Beware of your frown,
These guys will drag you down!
I'm in the mire, I wasn't ready!
/can't link to a comment... hmmm
Fuckity shit piss dick wank
Lickety-ass balls tit stank
Syphilitic cocksucker
Necrophile motherfucker
Bullshit twunt rimjob tart spank!
*applause*
Ponies and rainbows and kittens
Flowers, sweet nothings, and mittens
a new baby's eyes
puffy clouds in the skies
And a 13 year old whos been smitten.
Yin to your yang, mct (don't go there with yang)
The cells on my spreadsheet are blank,
And I have this dumb contest to thank.
When my contract has ended
I'll think it's just splendid,
Though the empty one then is my bank.
That limerick by planetfour
I found to be such a bore
To improve the verses
I'd have added some curses
And made the 13 year old a whore.
*rimshot*
nice one!
MCT likes to play the young fool
In his puerile attempts to be cruel
He may have some gall
But I know, after all
That he's only a middle class stool
Touche!
Some recent fine postings by un-
Have given us things to be done
Self-linking of course
And man fucked by horse
Are no longer acceptable fun!
An old monkey is Kimberly
The cockpunch was served up by she
They met up with wendell
And drank beer with him til
The Space Kitty bits were set free!
Alas I'm ignored by petebest,
All the others he's put to the test.
Perhaps he don't know me,
For that, he can blow me,
I'm asking for it, who'd have guessed?
'Tis a strange request, planetfour
No-one's asked for pete's input before
But just sit right here
And soon you might hear
From petebests 1, 2, 3 and 4
ha!
There once was a girl from Saskatchewan
She'd like it when she could pat you on
that bulge in your gitch
but that led to the itch
and now it's plenty of Valtrex dat you on!
(Sorry, that was lame. I just wanted to rhyme Saskatchewan. Almost made it, too. But didn't.)
"I'm shocked", said Captain Renault,
To find I'm in a casino,
We'll round up the usual suspects,
It's just what the Major expects,
Say farewell to your Mrs. Lazlo.
I'm hurt that my username "kamus"
has not made me here very famous
I felt that in time
you would notice the rhyme
with the exceedingly obvious "anus"
The problem with your nickname, kamus
(And here you are welcome to damn us)
It could sound like "anus"
And that *would* make you famous
But I always pronounce it like "spam us".
*clap clap*
Nicely done, islander.
Even worse yet, I say it like Camus
And tracicle, how could we damn you?
You put up the site,
You watch us all fight
And sit back as we fling our damn poo.
Some people can call me petebest
Some people remember the rest
It's true I deleted
Myself then repeated
The signup because I'm a pest!
A mention of this planetfour
Would certainly settle the score
For tho he's a clown
Who lives in Chi-town
He might be a terrible bore!
One guy who's really not great
Is that hosehead guy rocket88
His login'd be sweeter
If it fit a damned meter
But it just makes a rhythm I hate!
The thing with a nickname like goetter
Is that umlauts would make it sound booter
Alas its in ASCII
He posts and its that we
Will read on the comments' red foo-ter.
Petebest has been doing his research,
And as a result, I've been besmirched!
Regarding his verse,
It comes out in spurts,
We've just had a flood, now for the dearth!
A fine and fair monkey is path
Much sunnier than Sylvia Plath
When dogpiling on n00bs
We're behaving like boobs
Her cooler head turneth away wrath
You might not remember ol' Dizzy
You're probably asking "Where is he"?
We're not really sure
Why he had to demure
Though he's probably keeping quite busy
Don't think that it's wendell we're snubbing
He's earned an equivalent drubbing
He shows up to post
Once a month here at most
Cause it's always that Oscar he's rubbing!
Alright now, petebest, we get it
You can stop with the limerick shit
The joke is now old
So come in from the fold
You got heaps of posts you fat git
Now just a tic here Mr. Chyren
Your hurtful words now are just lyin'
I'm posting, it's true
But I do it for you!
So quit your rat-bastard-face cryin'!
Speaking of Dizzy, what happened?
Did Nostril come back with his flappin?
My attendance is varied,
From constant to narry,
So what ever became of that scrappin'?
At the risk of your heaping abuse,
I'd perhaps seem a little obtuse
Not to call your attention
To my skillful retention
Of hot-scalding milky man-juice.
In Xanadu, Khan built a pad--
Twas a beauty, exceedingly rad!
Sammy might have writ more
(Hundred lines, three or four)
But he got interrupted. Too bad.
Tenacious' milky man-juice,
Is not to be mistaken with Grey Goose
While the vodka is malty
His emission is salty
And tastes like the jism of moose.
That Tool in a strapping fine monkey,
No empty-head, mouth-breathing lunk, he!
His wife's quite a catch,
They're a heavenly match!
So why are his socks always so spunky?
Tool might say, "Now hold on there, Pettle!
If I'm the black pot, you're the kettle!"
But I doubt that you've seen a
Much finer patina
Than mine. I have proven my metal.
*applause*
The oldest post yet Eeked
Was an accident of a freak
For we all had seen
The ass-kicking machine
And did not want a repeat!
Our Petebest is quite the fine verser
And Chyren is a naughty curser
But Pete's quite blase
He'll get Chryen one day
And Chyren will be much the worser
A whole day's passed, its complete.
Everyone chose to retreat.
Twas buckets of fun,
But fuck it we're done,
and...
well? go 'head!
That was neat!
:D
I really dont think this is it
You know petebest cannot quit
With all of his versin'
It's his outlet for cursin'
Yeah yeah... i know this rhyme's a piece of shit!
So you'd like to end it, you're sayin'
And get back to your dumb Daisy-Mayin'
Although you detest
The rhymin' petebest,
Put this in yer pipe, 'cause I'm stayin'!
technically, that should have been 'cause i'm a-stayin' but it wouldn't fit
That Bees is well loved needs no hyping
The monkeys all know this ain't griping
His poems are transcendent
They're his best defendant
Though he could well use some help typing!
I'm shocked that I've not seen this page
tho I've been a monkey for a dog's age
at poems I'm a newbie
and a bit of a boobie
but ya'll know that I love center stage.
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